Another deeply personal sharing….
I’ve been feeling irritated and restless about my work lately, frustrated and wanting to ‘push the river’ to get clear about the next steps in my ever-evolving soulful business.
After a lot of breathing and meditating I’ve realised old power that I gave away is now returning to me.
Bits of me are coming back.
When power starts to return it’s normal to get a bit angry. So it seems I’m right on track!
Lately I could feel my business shifting but couldn’t get clear on how. And seeing as my business is an expression and expansion of my deepest self (a Soulful Business) it inevitably meant that I was shifting too!
I wasn’t clear what was going on until I spoke with my friend and holistic health coach for women, Joanna Meriwether about it. All I could feel was a frustration at not feeling clear about what shape my work is now taking. I wanted to name it NOW, to pin it down NOW, to ground it NOW. I wanted to get on with it already! Little miss impatient over here. Sound familiar?
I’ve also been having a lot of daydreams of my past, faces and memories floating in and out, feelings bubbling to the surface that I thought were long gone. It was like a spontaneous review of my past was happening inside me with a sort of declutter or detox clearing out what I no longer need.
But more than that, something else is happening, something I wasn’t expecting.
Old parts of me are returning. Parts I hadn’t even noticed had gone. Parts of me I had cast aside, judged, rejected, given away or had taken from me are wandering home. The photo of me at the top of this post is from more than 10 years ago and that version of Kim is calling to me. Scattered fragments of who I was are whispering. Long lost inner friends are knocking on the door expecting a place to stay and it’s quite a process.
Why did they get lost in the first place?
I gave my power away in relationships.
I felt ashamed of my background.
I was needy for love and acceptance and so dove deep into the spiritual journey, falling into every well-worn pitfall on the path.
So now I’m feeling some hints of shame and guilt that I rejected parts of me as ‘not spiritual enough’. I feel silly for not noticing I’d thrown out parts of me I needed and that were actually plenty good enough. And I feel like a berk for giving my power away in my relationships even through I swore I wouldn’t.
I’m now forgiving myself. Trying to.
Maybe it’s because I’ve finally had more than 2 years without someone close to me dying or experiencing some kind of trauma. My system has had time to settle, rest and start to truly heal.
Maybe it’s the swing of the pendulum from a space of full immersion in oneness back to embracing my physical human life.
Bit by bit these parts of me are returning, like gatecrashers to a wholeness party.
I first really noticed it the other day when something amazing happened…
After several years of pain and fatigue I could feel my body surging with strength and energy, it was amazing, my body wanted to move and lift weights, push against things and feel its own strength.
This might not seem like anything particularly extraordinary, however I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME back in 2000, shortly after my spiritual crisis triggered by the passing of my Mum. So for me, doing a workout with weights was a big ask. But there I was, my body totally taking charge, doing the workout I used to do 20 years ago, albeit a much gentler version with 2 days of recovery time.
As my body remembered itself I noticed that the compilation R&B CD I had grabbed to play was filled with all the tracks I used to work out to! Even the music felt like parts of me returning (thank you Salt ‘n’ Pepa!)
This wasn’t me going back in time and wallowing or being stuck in the past. It was more like a gathering in of energy from across space and time that I need right now. Things I let go of that can help return me to wholeness. Things that got blasted to the corners of the cosmos with every loss and trauma.
It’s happening in other ways too. Even down to the words I use and how I speak and move my body. It has been interesting to notice.
It’s also making me look at my spiritual path through new eyes.
It reminds me a little of that moment when a passionate love affair ends and the bubble bursts, the fog clears and you go: “Who the hell WAS I? What WAS I thinking?”, it feels like that.
I have learned so much on my path of integrating my spiritual crisis and trauma-induced awakening. Every teacher, workshop, book, meditation and experience has been deeply helpful and valid, either by contrast or resonance.
The journey continues but somehow my bubble has burst, the love affair is over and I am looking back on myself at various stages of my path with a slightly embarrassed cringe.
I can see I went through the ego inflation phase, the being very ungrounded phase, the preachy-teachy phase, the running before I could walk phase, the dressing up in my spiritual ‘uniform’ phase, the taking myself terribly seriously phase (‘Ernest Ernie’).
My feet feel more on the ground now. I’m coming home to my body and I feel more like ‘me’ again. Whoever me is.
‘Kimberley’ was the professional, spiritual, business woman who wanted to be taken seriously. It’s ‘Kim’ that’s coming back now.
A few months ago I started to notice how people I didn’t really know that well started to call me ‘Kim’, both in person and online. I had only ever let close friends and family call me Kim. My professional and public name was ‘KIMBERLEY’. So at first I was irritated that people were being presumptuous and shortening my name without asking. Then everyone started to spell my name wrong! It was clearly easier for them to simply call me Kim.
I finally realised it was part of this shift in my energy back to my core, or forward to a new whole me and they were obviously picking up on it. Joanna also pointed out to me that maybe people were feeling or wanting a greater connection, closeness and intimacy with me and so were being more informal in shortening my name.
I’m opening up to the idea of being Kim again. She didn’t care about trying to impress, or to be credible and be taken seriously. She didn’t carry the weight of trying to be something to people. She was spontaneous, down-to-earth, fun, sensitive, loving and kind. She wore whatever she liked and didn’t think about ‘image’ or the ‘brand’. She was just herself.
So I’m doing my best not to push the river and to make sure I embrace this deep intuitive process and soulful shift as part of the evolution of my own path and my own Soulful life and business. Letting go, going with the flow, watching, trusting, feeling and allowing. After all, a sustainable soulful business that makes a genuine difference is sourced from the inside-out. As within, so without. I can’t rush this next phase from my head, it has to drop into me, into my body, ground down into the earth beneath me and then come from my heart and out into the world. It has its own intelligence and timing.
This is how women will change the world.
This is feminine, intuitive business manifestation and contribution in progress.
Intuitive, Soulful creation from the inside-out.
I’m excited to see what emerges next.
Watch this space!
Lots of love,