Exactly one year ago today my life as I knew it fell to pieces…..again.
Major death/rebirths have been a feature of my life so far, they are unwanted companions who loom in dark corners threatening to destroy everything but swear to me they have my best interests at heart.
And so again they came and tore my life up from the roots.
My partner of almost ten years declared he wanted to end our relationship. I won’t go into the apparent ‘whys’ as that it his path and his stuff. I have different truths about what happened.
I was facing homelessness, wasn’t earning enough to sustain living alone and my health was failing. Those were very dark times indeed. I was in agony. All our dreams, intentions, friendship, my home, friends, community, routine, stability….my whole life as I knew it ended right there and then.
For the first time in my life I had allowed myself to need someone and truly trust someone. I had let down my defences and welcomed help and support that I believed I couldn’t do without. I opened up my heart and my life and let him in. I surrendered to the human connection and the tangled nature of living with someone.
And so this was more like a bereavement. Pieces of me were being ripped out. My entire reality was flipped on its head overnight and I was hurtling down a rabbit hole. I breathed. I cried. I prayed and meditated. I raged. I did my best to trust what was happening.
I humbled myself and reached out to everyone for help. I was desperate
For 2 months we continued to live together but apart, gradually disentangling, crying together and apart, talking, not talking. I no longer knew who he was or who I was. My personal planet had shifted off its axis.
In a blur I looked for somewhere to live not knowing if I could even pay for it. I couldn’t see straight, my heart raced, I felt sick, my body ached. I worked until 5am every morning desperately rebuilding my business website so I could maintain it myself after I left (my partner had built it and was my webmaster), I humbled myself and reached out to everyone for help. I was desperate.
That was when a miracle happened.
I realised I was truly loved by my tribe and that you believed in me and what I was doing
From around the world came donation after donation to help me find somewhere to live and to allow me to continue my work. You know who you are, you angels who helped me. I love you and will never forget you. You allowed me to stay on track, avoid homelessness and to continue my purposeful work. It was at that moment that something shifted. I realised I was truly loved by my tribe and that you believed in me and what I was doing. You became investors of sorts, asking simply that I pay it forward and continue to shine and help other women do the same.
And so it seemed very timely yesterday when my accountants delivered to me the ‘birth’ certificate for my new film production company IMAGINAL PRODUCTIONS! Auspicious timing to say the least.
My ex is part of my soul group and I know that ending our relationship was part of the deal, it was how we would both best be served in our soul growth
I trust and can now truly FEEL that everything happened exactly as it was meant to. My ex is part of my soul group and I know that ending our relationship was part of the deal, it was how we would both best be served in our soul growth. In fact I had some sparks of soul-level awareness in the middle of the pain and chaos as it was happening, so despite the pain I knew it was meant to happen to allow me to stay on track with my soul’s evolution.
Skip to right now and this is a new beginning for me! My life is now leading me into the medium of film and new media to express my creativity, truths, tell my story and empower women. It’s an exciting time.
My old life and my old self was falling away because I was meant to be on a different path
Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a tough year. It’s been hell at times. I’ve been very unwell, had major financial pressures and even had times when I had no heating, food or money at all. But I got through it. How? Because I KNEW deep in my guts, bones and soul that the old was dying. My old life and my old self was falling away because I was meant to be on a different path.
I now FEEL more than ever before that I am following my true joy AND that I am doing this with you walking beside me.
I am paying forward all your kindnesses and love. I am paying forward all your support. I am paying forward all your trust and belief in me.
One year ago today I died and today feels like the first day of my new life. The year in between then and now was me simply recovering and learning to breathe again.
To REALLY allow new possibilities to flow in we must fully let go of the old
To REALLY allow new possibilities to flow in we must fully let go of the old. And so I do. I let go of all the dreams I held dear. I release the future I saw ahead of me and open to a new future of unlimited and beautiful possibilities.
I release those people who left my life all at once like a mass exodus and celebrate those who stayed. I welcome all the new, loving, awake, positive, courageous, fun, creative and beautiful souls entering my life right now.
No I have no idea what lay ahead of me and yes sometimes I feel uncertain and afraid. However, I KNOW this is exactly where I am meant to be and exactly what I am meant to be doing.
I am following my joy. I am embracing the uncertainty because the space of not knowing is what leaves room for magic.
As of today I am officially a filmmaker. A new life begins….
Watch out world!
Remember, we share our stories to remind ourselves and each other that we are not alone.
We are awakening together.
Lots of love,
PS: Image Credit – Adapted from artwork by Julia Rohwedder http://moonshine90.deviantart.com/