playing small

 

Do you know how precious and amazing you are? I wonder if you realise how your energy and your presence around others is affecting them and how valuable that is?

I’ve had a real life angel walk into my life recently to remind me that my energy, my vibe, my heart and simply my presence can totally change how someone is feeling and remind them of who they are. And I know you can do the same.

 

The other day I was getting ready to call someone on Skype. There were the usual delays, the pesky egg-timer on the screen, the call didn’t go right through and I could feel a hint of frustration as my belly tightened and my laptop screen froze.

As I allowed the tech gremlins and tech angels to battle it out I sat back and took a breath.

I wanted my energy to be in a good space to speak with this special person, I take responsibility for my energy and my effect on others and I was concerned that my tech issues would spill over onto them and I didn’t want them wobbled by my slight irritation.

But before I could get back to my center and feel calm again the call started and there we were connected and in each other’s energy space. Cue slight sense of panic and another deep breath.

 

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Would she notice how I was feeling? Would she pick up on my momentary panic? Should I tell her how I was feeling? Was I ready for this session? Was I good enough?

All of this happened in just a split second, it was fleeting, it was urgent and all I could do was trust and let go. “All in perfect Divine right timing remember Kimberley” my soul self chirped. OK. Got it. It’s fine. Just show up as you are. That’s it. Good.

As the call started I could not have foreseen what would happen….

 

My friend did not pick up on my moment of technological angst. Not at all.

In our first few words simply saying hello and checking in she had tears rolling down her face. She didn’t understand why. We hadn’t even got into our ‘work’ yet (or so it seemed).

She explained to me that the moment we were together, connected on Skype and she could feel my energy, her heart opened, something shifted inside her and the tears came.

Now this is a powerful woman who is very experienced, very open and spiritually aware and has (as many of us have) worked with a lot of healers etc over her lifetime. Yet she said she had never had this happen before.

 

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She told me how over the years she has spoken to many experts on certain personal issues and never once come close to the depth and power of the shift she experienced just by being in my energy. In fact she was insistent that I should be fully aware of this effect I have on people and value it much, much more.

I have to just say this was a collaborative call and not a client session, there was no intention do healing/energy/spiritual work (as if you can control that!) but you see what I mean? It just happened.

She asked me if I was aware of how powerful my energy is and if I knew that I had this effect on people, without having to do or say anything.

I replied that I had known it once and that I knew it deep down but somehow had come to undervalue it recently.

 

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Okay I’m going to share something with you now, and I can feel my reluctance to as I sit here typing, I can feel those fears of sounding like a crazy egomaniac surfacing and of having people judge me and attack me. But I have to share this because I know YOU are also beautiful and powerful my friend and I know that you also doubt it and hide it sometimes….

I have seen people pass out onto the floor in front of my energy art as I stood with them in a loving space, I have had countless people burst into tears as soon as they meet me, when I was younger travelling on the bus to school and work I would always end up with the stranger sat next to me who out of nowhere would pour out their life story and be crying by the time I got off the bus. I hadn’t said or done anything! There was a time in my life when people would pay me, buy me meals or gifts etc just so they could hang out with me and be in my energy. I know I bring stuff up for people in a healing way just by being with them. I have seen it. I know this about myself.

 

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So why do I hide it, undervalue it, keep quiet about it?

Why am I not ‘out there’ on a stage with Oprah or with my own internet TV show? Why am I not known like Eckhart Tolle or Mooji or Amma?

I had to ask myself these questions. This experience on the call with my friend brought so much up for me. I know it’s time for me to confront this.

The thing is I see everyone as this same powerful being of love. I don’t see myself as being different from them. Of course what I am coming to acknowledge is that other people see me as being different, other people experience my energy in a powerful way, even if I don’t really get it.

Also I come from a humble background of poverty and abuse and maybe I don’t want people to think I’m an egomaniac. I’ve had an old programming bubbling up these past few days of “Who do I think I am?”

I can also feel the deep and ancient echoes of the wounded feminine bring up fears of raising my head above the parapet.

 

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AND finally, like many of you, I am highly sensitive. Being in my fullest, expanded, powerful self out in the world is beautiful but incredibly intense for someone with enhanced senses, someone who is intuitive, empathic and with a body that feels EVERYTHING.

I am not separate from my body like many people are, I cannot drive it around like a car, pushing it on and on wherever I want it to go. I must consider it in all my choices and actions. I experience my physical life, FULLY.

So these are some of the thoughts and feelings that are surfacing for me as I prepare to step up to a new level of myself. I won’t let them get in the way but I do acknowledge them and honour them.

 

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So back on the call, my colleague was fervently telling me how powerful my effect on her was and how she’d never felt anything like it. So gentle yet totally transforming. She has also sent me several emails now reinforcing the effect I have had on her. I worked with someone close to her a few years ago which changed that lady’s life so she keeps reminding me of that too.

Why is this happening now?

I am clearly being invited to step further into my power and to fully ‘own’ my gifts. Many of you lovely friends reading this now have walked with me these past 10 years as I have stepped up in my life and work bit my bit, come out of hiding bit by bit, even as my life fell apart time and again. And now it’s time for more. I am being reminded that it is an act of humility and not ego inflation to step up and serve, be fully me and share what I came to share. Me.

I realise that in recent years I have been defining myself by my background, my birth family, my childhood neighbourhood and what certain people think of me rather than my spiritual essence. In summary I have been playing small. And we all know what Marianne Williamson thinks about THAT:

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 

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So I am practicing a new affirmation, feel free to use it too my friend:

My shining presence is enough to make people feel happy and whole.

Just by showing up I help shift things for people, sometimes big things, lifelong things, that were simply waiting for a gentle, non-judgemental space of unconditional love.

I am enough. Just as I am. No effort required.

I just show up and shine. I don’t need to understand it. Just be. Being is enough. My beingness is priceless.

Love changes lives.

I am humble enough to accept this and no longer hide it.

 

My ‘ah-ha! moment’: I have realised that because I am now openly declaring my work to be to help women step up and out of their own ‘spiritual closet’ so they can shine in the world, I must first walk my talk and move fully through that myself. Of course! Doh!

And yes this brings up a lot for me. I have spent a lot of time around people who put me down, saw me as small, criticised me, used me, projected their stuff onto me and didn’t see me and so this is a challenge (how about you? sound familiar?). Believing in myself again after my life and love relationship of 10 years fell apart 2 years ago is a challenge. Stepping into my own light is a challenge. But I’ve done it before in this body, in this life and I will do it now.

Will you join me?

Make sure you are signed up at the top right of this page to join me on this journey….

We are awakening together.

Lots of love,

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Can you relate to what I have shared my friend? Please leave your comments below. I love to hear from you.